THE TROUBLE WITH HOPE

1/22/2011

Hope shuttles us off to a mythical future. What do we miss while we’re away?

I had a strained relationship with hope before my wife was diagnosed with cancer.

To me, hope was a high waiting for a low, a fix with a nasty flipside.

Far from the precious entity exalted by legions of poets and philosophers, hope was just another coordinate on the pain/pleasure cycle existing in infinite balance with its opposite.

In the same way that happiness alternates with sadness, or desire with loss, hope alternates with fear. One requires that the other exist. Hope was for suckers, and I was no sucker.

Or so I reasoned. The times I didn’t need hope, that is.

But when life would clobber me over the head with misfortune, there I was, clinging to hope like a dear, misunderstood friend.

Since my wife’s diagnosis, however, my relationship with hope is no longer strained. It’s been severed completely. I’ve abandoned hope, and in the process have met a new friend: peace.

To abandon hope is to trample the plotline of feel-good movies, to renounce the rhetoric of sweating preachers, and to earn puzzled looks from hopers everywhere. Hope soothes and inspires. It builds churches and sells books. Hope is widely thought to be the last coin in our pocket, the one thing we can never afford to lose.

But what is hope, exactly? What does it look like away from the flickering glow of votive candles?

Isn’t hope just wishful thinking? Isn’t it just slapping a happy ending on an unhappy beginning?

We want to be happy all the time, and why not? It beats sad, lonely, and a host of other unpleasant but inevitable human conditions. When we’re not happy, we hope. We paint a bright future with our thoughts and wait for it to materialize.

However rickety, this logic makes just enough sense to ease a frightened mind. Implicit in hopeful thinking is the mistaken notion that we are separate entities existing outside the flow of an exquisitely connected universe, that we are as in control of our destinies as we are our individual retirement accounts. Hope is our silent prayer that misfortune is meant for one of the other six and a half billion people in the world, but not us.

In small doses, hope is not toxic. It only nips or stings. When our home team loses, when no one asks us to dance, when we tear up lottery tickets, our hopes are dashed and we’re left to survey the space between our expectations and reality.

That space grows into an abyss for those attempting to stall reality with hopeful thoughts during times of peril. Thoughts eventually dissolve, while reality stands pat. We blink, and it’s still there. Rays of hope meant to banish our darkest fears in the end only illuminate them, and we crumple into a state of surrender. Anyway, I did.

Surrender was where I stumbled into peace. I didn’t give up on life, I just stopped trying to outwit it.

Surrender meant discarding the idea that life is always supposed to be wonderful; it’s just supposed to be life. Time spent hoping for happier days is time spent turning away from life in its infinite poses of glory: the elegant curve of my wife’s newly hairless head, the game smile poking through her fatigued expression, the mountain of get well cards rising above a sea of orange pill bottles.

Beauty borne from tragedy acquires a sacred dimension that can only be witnessed by a surrendered mind, a mind that isn’t chasing after the next happy face moment. To picture my wife with hair again, to imagine her digging in the garden or strutting back off to work, is to add time where none is needed, to ignore the beauty right under my nose, and to allow futile hope to intrude on an otherwise peaceful day.

John Ptacek

29 Comments

Samuel

2/20/2011 08:39:21 pm

You make some very good points, and I enjoy your posts, but you also raise a lot of questions for me.

To me, hope, belief, peace, love, all of the things which you question, are intertwined. Peace, in my opinion, comes from knowledge in the fact that life is not under our control, and that we should accept it for what it is, but that also stems from a HOPE that life will end up the way it's meant to, even if we don't know what that is.

I also understand that without hope, you can't have belief, as belief is really the hope and trust in things which are not seen, but also for me, love is required in true belief and true unconditional love can be learnt from Jesus.

From what I have read you appreciate almost everything about life in a similar way, so I am intrigued. For me though, I must say that hope is healthy, as long as you have a peace that things, no matter what you want, are out of your control, and may not meet up to your expectations. Try to epexct the best, but always accept the worst as what it is, an opportunity to learn.

For me, abandoning hope would be based on fear, and the best thing to do is to find a way to hope while at the same time keeping your peace.

oriah

2/25/2012 01:51:47 am

I’ve abandoned hope, and in the process have met a new friend: peace.

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4/17/2013 05:42:44 pm

Very useful post right here. Thanks for sharing your wisdom with me. I'll definitely be back.

John Ptacek

4/17/2013 06:29:14 pm

Thank you for your kind comments. See you next time!

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10/2/2013 07:38:37 pm

I never read such beautiful article before. As well as browsing an individual's articles or blog posts repeatedly. I must mention you happen to be carrying out a superb position. Be sure to stick to the greater job .

10/2/2013 08:05:30 pm

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. Nice to connect with you.

John Ptacek link

2/20/2011 11:18:00 pm

Hi Samuel,

I agree that hope, love, peace and belief are all intertwined: they are all concepts. We rarely, if ever, question our assumptions underlying these concepts. In questioning them, I experienced a new sense of freedom.

For me, holding onto hope is a painful experience. It means that I want more than I have in any moment, especially in hard moments like the ones my wife and I have experienced upon her diagnosis. In not wanting more than I have, I am spared the psychological suffering that attends expectations. Life is not always wonderful, but who ever said it's supposed to be? I regard hope as a ticking time bomb. I regard life as a big sloppy mystery that can never be solved intellectually. When I quit trying I experienced peace.

We all do what works for us. May you delight in all life has to offer.

2/21/2011 01:01:48 am

Thanks for responding,

I'd just like to ask why, if you can accept life as an entity we can't explain, you can't allow yourself to hope?

Hope can improve any situation, and as long as you don't turn hope into fact in your mind, there is no downside to it. Hope for the best things that life has to offer, and you are more likely to see it come to pass. Hope can create a fighting spirit in you that you should not underestimate. If you truly hope and desire for something, your whole being is consumed with fighting for that.

And as long as you are able to accept whatever happens at the end, good OR bad, then you will have achieved something to be proud of in my opinion, which it seems you have.

Peace coincides with true hope, if you know what you are hoping for is right and not selfish, you will have a true peace about it and there will not be pain.

For me as a Christian, I petition God with what I hope for, and put it all on the table before Him. God can do with it as he wishes, but for me more often than not, I have seen that he is just waiting for your hopes and dreams to be laid bare before him so that he can fulfill them.

You seem to have a lot of the puzzle sorted, and I definately don't claim to have it all pieced together or all the questions answered, but just felt like it's good to share what I have experienced in life.

2/21/2011 01:25:56 am

Samuel, I am content to experience life on its own terms. The world doesn't turn for me, it just turns. Hoping for something other than what I have in any moment diminshes that moment, however slightly.

I'm really glad you stopped in to share your thoughts with me. Come again anytime.

2/21/2011 04:08:00 am

Good to hear you're enjoying life as you live it, nice to exchange thoughts, I'll be following your posts :)

Alexandra Hope Flood link

3/22/2011 12:29:56 pm

Dear John,

You reached out to me and here I am. I'm terribly sorry to hear of your wife's illness. I truly, if you'll pardon the term, hope that she is healing beautifully each and every day. My father died of a brain tumor when I was 25. This was after many years of financial struggles, long bouts of unemployment, and having to move under duress several times in a few short years. Then when things were finally looking up -- he got a good job (hallelujah! we could breath again) -- he collapsed. He never recovered. He left a brilliant book unwritten and a lifelong dream unfulfilled. He left a devoted wife and three kids who thought the world of him. He was only 59. He never got his so-called "happy ending." After this ordeal almost seventeen years ago, I discovered something miraculous. I still had hope -- a lot of it -- after he was gone. Even though my father never got to walk me down the aisle or meet his grandchildren, I had (and have) hope. This is why I often write about it on my blog. I think it is misunderstood and therefore it bears deeper exploration.

While reading your beautifully written post, it strikes me that you find peace in the present moment, which I salute. However, I don't equate this process with surrendering hope, but surrendering to the possible "futile what ifs of the future" for fear of missing out on the precious gems of present. These "what ifs" are not, in my mind, the same as hope. Hope is a frequency, an energy, a power to tap into. A lottery ticket is not hope. The energy it takes to get out of bed and go to the store to buy one is.

Through life experience I have learned that we can be both present -- surrendering to the moment at hand in a graceful way -- and be hopeful in the same time.

I'm not trying to persuade you or start a debate, but I know this state is possible, if one desires it.

Wishing You All The Best,
Alexandra

Katarína Persson

4/16/2011 03:46:09 am

Dear John

Browsing the net on my laptop today, trying to find some one words that would encourage me, and give me hope, paradoxically these words by you are the ones that creates the deepest resonance inside me! Clinging to illlusion creates more suffering wich doesn't mean one still must give up.

"For me, holding onto hope is a painful experience. It means that I want more than I have in any moment, especially in hard moments like the ones my wife and I have experienced upon her diagnosis. In not wanting more than I have, I am spared the psychological suffering that attends expectations. Life is not always wonderful, but who ever said it's supposed to be? I regard hope as a ticking time bomb. I regard life as a big sloppy mystery that can never be solved intellectually. When I quit trying I experienced peace."

I really admire your clarity of thinking and expressiong yourself.

Thank you so much!

Katarina

Yvonne

4/28/2011 02:18:45 am

Here, Here!
I couldn't agree more, not from a place of despair but rather from a sense of the beauty and fullness of life as it presents itself.

Tesh link

5/27/2011 02:51:06 pm

Both beautiful and brave.

Thank you for crafting and sharing part of your journey so intimately.

Arz Sra link

10/11/2011 12:43:23 am

A masterpiece again.

Thanks.

Justin link

10/18/2011 02:18:22 am

Heh, it looks like a lot of the comments show a trend: a difficulty abandoning hope completely, even tho your good points can't be assailed.

I like to think of a healthy life as having a balance of three main things: creation, appreciation, and patience. Or, put simply: work, play, and rest! But too often what passes for "work" isn't really creation by any real measure. Too often, the "play" we seek is merely distraction, not joyful appreciation. And as for patience, few want it! Few take time for real rest, for meditation and simply being, and we're taught to begrudge our hours of sleep. I think our society is obsessed with fake "work," and frowns upon play and rest. Thus it appreciates very little, always demanding more, never content with the present. This sort of society begets a very demanding, self-centered form of "hope."

Fake "work" often seeks to control the world, rather than humbly creating more from less. Our culture wants to feel in control, wants to limit the world, so why should we be surprised that it's obsessed with this sort of "work?" I think that perhaps MMOs are so popular in our culture not because people are starved for play, but because they're starved for real, wholesome creative *work,* and MMOs provide an illusion of the growth and progress that comes of real work. Anyway, in a culture so saturated with fake, controlling "work," of course it's hard to appreciate anything. Of course a controlling mindset makes us more self-centered. And so of course our "hopes" will be self-centered dreams that rob us of our appreciation of the present.

I think what may be at the root of what bothers some people when they read this, tho, is that in a sense, wholesome work could be called a form of hope, tho not this self-centered ungrateful kind. When you become an active participant with the universe (rather than attempting to impose your own will upon it), when you try to work with the world and create more from less, in a way that is motivated by a hope of the thing you want to create. But this kind of creative work cannot exist if one is constantly dissatisfied with the present. If you're trying to build a future, you can't spurn the present.

Humble hope is motivating, no question, but the selfish kind is motivating, too. And like you said, the selfish kind cannot stand against the relentless march of reality. The more we cling to self-centered hope, the more we lose touch with everything and everyone around us. So, just because selfish hope is motivating doesn't mean it is good; we must ask what it motivates us toward. Dreams are not necessarily good; only humble dreams that seek to build more from reality are good, rather than dreams that seek to impose our wills upon reality. I think that if we could just *appreciate* everything more (not an easy thing), then we would naturally become less self-centered, less susceptible to gaudy, selfish "hope," and more content with the present. Armed with that appreciative, grateful contentment, we could then develop humble hopes and work hard *with* the universe rather than against it, to fulfill those hopes.

Barbara A Baker link

12/22/2011 08:43:53 am

John, recently I read your article, this article, printed in the November/December "Coping w/ Cancer".

Thank you = I now have some additional references to use to more completely identify the feelings balled in my heart and constricted in my mind as I do my best deal with friends and family who are not on a "spiritual path" as I live with a diagnosis of Ov. C, stage 4.

A beloved teacher of mine, Sathya Sai Baba, about three years before this diagnosis, showed me as only an avatar can, how "faith" is beautiful yet faith has fear as its foundation; "truth" contains only love and, therefore, no fear. That you grok this, wrote it, and had an allopathic-oriented journal print it is a precious gift.

Namaste'
Barbara

12/22/2011 07:28:39 pm

Barbara, well said: faith has fear as its foundation. The head of a cancer center recently told me that some of his patients feel it is a burden to have to cling to hope. Faith, hope...who would have guessed that these socially accepted concepts are obstacles to our happiness?

Lynn W. Lee

1/19/2012 05:23:24 am

Read your piece on "Hope" and would like to respectfully disagree. I equate hope with a positive attitude and don't know how you get through any tragedy without hanging on to both, even if only by a thread. I do agree that peace with your present situation is equally as important, although nearly impossible at times. It's often in hindsight that we see the beauty in our most troubling times so the "peace" doesn't come until after the fact. Hope should be ever present, even if it's just below the surface. When it springs up, it's refreshing and renewing and welcomed. Don't disregard the strength and the silent effects that hope blesses one with. It can make all the difference in the battle to survive.

1/19/2012 08:02:15 pm

Lynn, I appreciate your point of view. You hopers are clearly in the majority. To my way of thinking, life marches on without regard for what we human beings might hope for. Hoping made me feel like a helpless bystander. Rid of it, I am aligned with the movement of life rather than opposed to it. Even during the tough times, the wind is at my back.

Viv

2/24/2012 03:55:07 pm

Fantastic post. Such clarity.

Hope is ignoring reality. Wanting what isn't.

It seems to be an irony that acceptance of the beauty of life is too often 'forced' upon people via what is usually seen as 'ugly' or 'unhappy' situations.

I don't know either you or your wife. But, all the best to you both. Which is what you already have!

2/24/2012 06:24:01 pm

Point taken about our prediliction toward what is commonly associated with life's beauty, Viv. And thank you for your kind wishes.

Kevin

4/24/2012 08:27:14 pm

The last verse in Samuel Johnson's poem, The Vanity of human wishes' explains how hope and fear are objects derived from a corrupted , dull stagnant mind. And delivers his recipie for happiness.

4/24/2012 09:01:28 pm

Thanks, Kevin. I sought out the poem and found it laced with insight. His words about a dull stagnant mind echo those of J Krishnamurti. Thank you for sharing this.

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3/7/2013 05:07:41 pm

This post relates to me somewhere, don't know why but it touched me.
No words.

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10/23/2013 05:41:56 pm

But what is hope, exactly? What does it look like away from the flickering glow of votive candles?

Geraldine link

4/12/2014 02:32:29 am

Having been wrestling to understand my own feelings and my irritation to comments of others, it has been an enormous relief to read this post. My husband was given 6 months to live after a cancer diagnosis 7 months ago. He remains quite well and active.
Difficulties arise in attitudes to hope and the future. As a bereavement counsellor in a hospice I also wrestled with concepts of hope with patients, relatives and colleagues.
Your post emphasising freedom from hope brought tears of recognition and peace to me. The clarity with which you describe coping with your wife's illness was like looking through a window that was once obscure but now clear. It gives me strength to carry on and be in these precious 'sacred' moments.

Thank you

4/12/2014 03:19:33 am

Geraldine, many thanks for sharing your experience with me. I can relate so much to what you and your husband are going through. Weak or strong, each day is precious. I feel privileged to know that my words could offer you strength. You and your husband will remain in my thoughts.

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4/7/2017 11:34:03 am

That was beautiful and honest and you've taken the words right out of my mouth.

It was my own son, at age 8 that first explained to me how badly misunderstood the story of Pandora's Box really was. He asked me if the gift was all the miseries and tribulations known to man, why did we expect the last one in the jar to be anything other than that?

He was right.

THE TROUBLE WITH HOPE

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